No matter how much you love your family, there’s always that one family member with whom you consistently disagree.  Maybe it’s your Aunt Martha, who consistently harps on your weight or your marital status, or maybe it’s your Grandpa Joe – whose inflammatory religious or political views take center stage at every family get-together.

But while you can’t change your family, you can change the way you behave and the impact you allow their words to have on your mental well-being.  To learn how to quickly and effectively diffuse these family tensions and improve the quality of your get-togethers, consider the following techniques:

Technique #1 – Identify and avoid triggering behaviors

In most cases, negative family interactions are triggered by specific sayings or behaviors.  By identifying these connections and taking steps to avoid the triggering behaviors in the first place, it is possible to eliminate family tensions altogether.

As an example, if you notice that bringing up your government job is the trigger that launches your Grandpa Joe into a tirade about the overreach of big government and the current administration, you can choose to avoid this topic of conversation entirely.  Alternatively, if you notice that your Aunt Martha uses comments on her own expanding waistline to transition to attacking your current size, try changing the subject before the conversation rolls back around to you.

Obviously, avoiding triggering behaviors and topics isn’t a totally ideal solution, as this may mean keeping parts of your life from the people who claim to love you most.  However, if your family get-togethers escalate to the point where the tension of arguing over heated subjects is worse than the effort of keeping elements of your life private, you may find this approach to be the lesser of two evils.

Technique #2 – Choose to release your anger

Of course, in some situations, it may not be possible to identify or avoid triggering behaviors.  For example, if you have a relative who’s proficient at turning even the most innocuous comments into perceived accusations, it may be impossible to isolate and avoid the specific topics that will lead to family tension.

In these cases, it’s up to you to choose to release your anger in a healthy way, instead of allowing it to dictate the experiences you have with your family.  Just because family tensions have occurred doesn’t mean that you need to internalize them to the point where they affect your own judgment and the love you have for your family members.

However, in order to release your anger and approach tense situations from a more mature perspective, it’s vital that you remove yourself from the frustrating encounters until you can cool down.  When you feel yourself getting flustered, excuse yourself politely and take a walk, retire to another room or simply sit in your car for a few minutes.  Giving yourself space to breathe and work through the emotions you’re feeling – instead of taking your stress out on your family members – will make it much easier to release your anger before things boil over.

Technique #3 – Replace an angry mindset with positive ones

Another technique that’s vital to managing family tensions in a healthy, mature way is learning to replace your angry emotions with a positive mindset.  Remember – you are the one who’s in control of your thoughts and emotions.  Although your family members may influence these things with their own behaviors, it is ultimately up to you to choose how you deal with frustrating situations.

To learn how to swap out angry feelings with more positive ones – which will enable you to minimize tensions and protect your own mental health and well-being – try an anchoring technique that allows you to associate a positive set of feelings and emotions with a specific color, mental image or physical action.

Begin by calling up a memory when you felt peaceful, positive and in control of your emotions.  Your goal should be to find a memory that represents the way you want to feel when handling family tensions – so whether that’s assertive, cool, collected or some other emotion, make sure the memory you call up is a strong one that helps you to relive your desired state of mind.

As you allow this memory to fill you up, begin pairing it with a specific “anchor.”  This could be a physical action you take (for example, squeezing your thumb) or a mental image you create (a specific color or symbol works best here) – either way, the important thing is that you begin to call up this arbitrary signal alongside your desired mental state.

Practice calling up your chosen memory, pairing it with your specific symbol and then releasing both mental images.  Over time – and with consistent practice – simply visualizing your anchor symbol should be enough to subconsciously promote the positive feeling you desire.  Once the association is strong, firing off your anchor behavior in the face of family tensions will allow you to eliminate negative emotions and replace them with positive feelings that allow you to handle frustrating situations in a healthy way.

All of have voices in our heads that provide both insight and criticism on our thoughts and actions.  Don’t worry – it’s not a type of mental illness.  In fact, these voices are actually our subconscious minds chiming in on whether or not we’re behaving in ways that are consistent with our core values and principles.

In an ideal situation, these voices allow us to moderate our behavior and bolster our self-confidence.  Unfortunately, in too many situations, they take on an ugly, negative tone.  Over time, consistently having the voices in your head speak to you in this way can trash your self-esteem and allow doubt

For this reason, it’s imperative that you take the time to get the voices in your head on your team.  When you’ve got a supportive, confident group of mental cheerleaders encouraging you and reassuring you that you’re valuable and worthwhile, you’ll be nearly unstoppable in whatever activities you decide to pursue!

If that situation sounds appealing, check out the following process for transforming your mental critics into positive supporters:

Step #1 – Identify negative thought patterns

As with so many things in life, the first step to fixing the problem of overly-negative mental patterns is to admit that you have a problem in the first place!

Unfortunately, identifying the specific instances in which negative thought patterns occur can be challenging, as it requires a level of consistent mental awareness that few of us are used to maintaining.  To get into the habit of identifying negative thought patterns, practice pausing every time you feel upset or uncomfortable and taking note of what the voices in your head are telling you.

For example, suppose you’ve recently broken your current weight loss resolution and chowed down on a towering piece of chocolate cake.  At first, you might feel angry, upset or just a vague sense of unease that you’ve done something that’s inconsistent with your stated goals.  As soon as you feel one of these sensations, take a second to tune in to the voices in your head.

If you listen closely, you might hear them saying things like, “I can’t believe you just ate that, you fat slob!” or “You don’t deserve to be happy if you can’t stick with a simple resolution like this!”  Don’t panic if your mental voices sound crueler than you initially anticipated – we’ll get around to squashing them in the next two steps!

Step #2 – Explore the impact these patterns have on you

As you become better able to track and monitor the negative thoughts that are occurring within your mind, begin to commit an equal amount of time identifying the impact these thought patterns have on you.

Following our previous example, if you hear the voices in your mind commenting negatively on your inability to stick to a diet resolution, take a moment to identify how these statements make you feel.

Do you feel worthless?  Humiliated?  Inadequate?  Unconfident?  Over time, you’ll begin to notice patterns in the way your mind responds to negative situations and experiences.  Maybe you typically respond to the voices in your head by getting angry, or maybe you’re the type who tries to drown out their noise with food, alcohol or other substances.  Don’t beat yourself up about the way you respond – at this point, it’s important just to observe how you interact with the voices in your head.

Step #3 – Replace negative thoughts with positive ones

Now that we’ve identified both the specific negative things our mental voices are saying and the way these statements make us feel, we can start the process of replacing bad thoughts with positive ones using the swish pattern!

Begin by calling up a memory of a situation in which the voices in your mind spoke to you negatively.  Really allow yourself to embrace this memory, bringing up all of the feelings, emotions and sensations you experienced at that point in time.

Once this memory is clear in your mind, release it and replace it with the image of a stop sign.  Spend a few seconds visualizing this stop sign before releasing this second image and focusing on a chosen affirmation that reframes your mental criticisms in a positive way.  For example, a few potential affirmations that could be used in this process include:

• I am a valuable, worthwhile person.
• I always try my hardest to improve my situation.
• I am worthy of self-respect.

Tailor your specific affirmation to the negative feelings that you usually experience in response to the voices inside your head, and practice this process whenever you feel an undesirable response coming on.  Over time and with consistent effort, you should be able to banish these harmful thoughts and replace them with positive mental voices by simply visualizing the stop sign image you practiced with – allowing you to get the voices in your head on your side once and for all!

If you’ve read my past posts, you know I think that the “Law of Attraction” – by itself – is pretty much bogus.  I mean, really – you can sit around on the couch all day, wishing and hoping for a fit body, a million dollars and a supermodel girlfriend.  But until you actually take action to bring about these dreams, you’re not going to get an inch closer to achieving your goals.

Unfortunately, the universe isn’t just sitting around, waiting to fulfill your every desire.  Instead, you’ve got to bring about the changes you want through a combination of concerted effort and mental re-programming.

Focusing on both of these elements is key.  Say you’ve made it your goal to earn a million dollars.  Obviously, you’ll need to take a specific set of actions to bring about this reality, whether that’s starting your own company, gunning for a big promotion or simply winning the lottery.  But at the same time, you’ve got to get your mental processes on track.  If your subconscious is constantly telling you that you’re destined to be a failure, you’re going to find it pretty darn hard to stick to your defined action plan!

One tool in our NLP toolboxes for promoting these mental process improvements is the affirmation.  Basically, an affirmation is a statement you repeat to yourself that embodies the traits or characteristics you want to bring about.  Following our example above, if you’re attempting to build a multi-million dollar company, an example of a helpful affirmation might be, “I will be successful because people want to buy from me.”

In order to be effective, successful affirmations must meet all of the following criteria:

• Repeatability – For best results, your affirmation should be repeated several times a day, including at both the beginning and ends of the day, as well as when you feel your self-confidence waning.  For this reason, good affirmations are those you can remember easily and repeat frequently, without requiring the need for prompts.
• Clarity – Good affirmations should be specific.  If you plan to use affirmations to power your weight loss goals, be sure your affirmation clearly states how you envision achieving these results.  After all, if you simply state, “I will lose weight,” this end result could be brought about by a healthy diet and exercise plan or a bout with a serious disease – your choice!
• Appropriateness – The best affirmations are those that relate to specific aspects of your behavior, as these items fall within your control.  Using your affirmation to ask for a supermodel girlfriend isn’t nearly as appropriate as employing this technique to change your own self-conscious or shy behaviors.
• Tone of voice – As you repeat your affirmation to yourself, pay special attention to the tone of voice you use while doing so.  Is your internal monologue full of conviction?  Or does your inner voice sound as self-conscious and dispirited as you feel?  By altering your inflection to deliver your affirmation in a confident, self-assured way, you’ll see much better results using this technique.

Finally, be aware that affirmations – on their own – are a relatively weak NLP technique.  Although the repetition of motivational phrases can be used successfully to promote positive mental changes, some NLP practitioners have likened the practice to using a table knife to cut down a tree.  Just as a chainsaw would be a much better solution for this particular need, there are plenty of other NLP techniques that can bring about the same results much more effectively.

Two examples of these tactics include embedded commands and NLP presuppositions – both of which provide the necessary framework for both defining ideal behaviors and mental processes and providing the impetus needed to change.

For this reason, if you do decide that using affirmations will be a helpful motivational tool for you, be sure to integrate embedded commands and NLP presuppositions into the specific statements you decide to focus on.

For example, let’s say your goal is still to build a multi-million dollar company and you’ve decided to use affirmations to help you get over your crippling procrastination.  Combining the aspects of successful affirmations described above with both embedded commands and NLP presuppositions, you could come up with the following affirmation:

“I have all the tools I need to become the focused, productive owner of a multi-million dollar company.”

Not only will this affirmation be helpful because it’s based on personal behavior and clearly defines the desired process and end result, it also incorporates the NLP presupposition that we have all the tools necessary to bring about our own success and the embedded command “become the focused, productive owner of a multi-million dollar company.”

Following these criteria, try coming up with your own affirmation message.  Then, repeat your chosen statement to yourself at least three times a day for a week and see if you can identify an improvement in your performance!

Image: stevendepolo

In today’s ultra-connected society, getting a date just isn’t as easy as it used to be!  Pick up lines are overplayed, while the constant stream of information provided by popular dating websites makes screening potential partners easier than ever.

So if you’re struggling to find love in this frustrating situation, consider the following NLP techniques:

Technique #1 – Anchor Yourself

If you’ve ever built yourself up as “Rico Suave” in your mind, and then crashed and burned when it came to approaching a real-life dating prospect, you know how easy it can be to feel confident in your mind and have your actions betray you in person.

To remedy this situation, we can use an NLP technique called “anchoring.”  Essential, an  anchor allows us to call up a specific mental state or set of physiological processes at a moment’s notice, through the use of an anchoring behavior.

For example, suppose you want to be able to instantly call up the feelings of confidence and assertiveness needed to get a date in today’s crowded singles scene.  By creating an anchor that’s triggered by a specific action – say, pinching your left palm – you’ll be able to activate these powerful emotions on-the-spot, making your pick up attempts more likely to succeed.

To create an anchor, you must first identify memories or past experiences in which you felt the way you’d like to be able to recall on a moment’s notice.  For best results, these memories should be as powerful as possible.  Take some time to simply re-live and experience these sensations, allowing them to fill you up with the chosen sensations you’re trying to anchor.

Then, at the peak of your experience, fire the physical signal you plan to use as your anchoring behavior.  If, following our example, you’ve chosen to use a quick pinch to your left palm, repeat this action several times before ending your recall.

Repeat this process over a few days to enhance the connection between your desired mental state and your anchoring behavior.  Once you feel the association is strong in your mind, trying firing the anchor in a neutral situation by engaging in your anchor behavior when you aren’t actively recalling your chosen memory.  Ideally, if you’ve set up your anchor correctly, you should be able to call up your desired sensations quickly and easily – even in the stressful situation of approaching a potential date.

Technique #2 – Positive Anchors

In addition to creating your own anchors to improve confidence and assertiveness on the dating scene, you can also implant subtle anchors in the singles you encounter.

The key to doing so effectively lies in recognizing that all of our interactions with another person contribute to the mental image of us that this person retains.  For example, if you approach a potential date and consistently complain about your job, how hard it is to get a date or other problematic aspects of your life, you’re creating a negative anchor in your partner’s mind that associates you with complaining and  poor outlook.

Instead, for maximum success on the dating scene, we want to create anchors that associate us with good things, increasing the likelihood that our potential partners will be interested enough to move forward with the relationship.

To do so, try to control the conversation in a way that makes you appear charming, charismatic, intelligent, funny or any other positive characteristic you want to be associated with.  You can achieve this by sharing stories, talking about your interests or even asking questions about what makes your target date happy.  If you feel a complaint or negative statement coming on, excuse yourself until you can regroup to a more positive mental state to avoid decreasing the potency of your anchor.

Obviously, the anchors you encourage in other people won’t be nearly as strong as the ones you create for yourself.  However, by creating positive associations to you in the mind of the person you’re trying to pick up, you’ll increase the chances of getting a date by simply implanting the suggestion that you’re a good person to be with.

Technique #3 – Embedded Commands

Finally, there are embedded commands – one of the most commonly referenced “seduction techniques” in NLP.  When using embedded commands, you implant an instruction within a more innocuous question or statement so that it can slip – undetected – into your potential date’s mind.

As an example, you could embed the command, “We should be together,” inside the seemingly harmless sentence, “Isn’t it funny that we should be together like this,” after running into an acquaintance you’re trying to connect with.

Be aware, though, that using embedded commands in a dating situation requires a serious level of proficiency that novice NLP practitioners may not have grasped.  Not only do poorly-executed embedded commands blur the line between acceptable usage and intrusive pseudo-hypnosis, they can also come off as downright cheesy when used improperly.

So if you do decide to make use of this persuasion technique in the dating world, practice in advance to maximize your chances of a successful outcome.

Image: Alex E. Proimos

There’s no doubt that NLP techniques can be used to make you more successful in your professional life.  Whether you want to use these methods to become a more effective salesperson or to simply drive change in your workplace, the use of these tactics in the world of business is well-established.

But what if you’d like to translate these techniques to other aspects of your life?  If NLP can make you more persuasive in your dealings with other people, shouldn’t it also be able to help persuade your subconscious to cultivate positive personal habits?

The answer is a resounding, “Yes!”  Whether you want to use these tactics to lose weight by eliminating sweets cravings and increasing your motivation to get to the gym, or you need the extra encouragement to make progress on a personal project, the principles of NLP can be easily adapted to drive change in your personal – as well as your professional – life.

Here’s how to do it…

“Anchors”

The first technique that can be used to motivate positive change in your personal life is the “anchor.”

Personal Development Planet defines this technique thusly: “An anchor is simply a connection between a stimulus and a certain emotional response.”  In the popular psychology experiment conducted by Pavlov on a group of hungry dogs, the bell that signaled the arrival of food was used as an anchor device that transmitted the state of upcoming satiation to the canine participants.

When used properly in your own life, being able to create and manipulate these anchor associations can provide powerful benefits.  For example, suppose you’re trying to woo a potential partner, but feel awkward and uncomfortable every time you’re around this person.  Now, imagine how much more smoothly your courtship would proceed if you were able to dial up feelings of self-confidence and assuredness on command.

To create anchors, you first need to identify the emotional state you’d like to achieve on command, as well as the signal you’ll use to trigger this state (typically a single word said out loud or a specific hand gesture).  Then, visualize an experience from your past when you felt your desired emotional state strongly while repeating your chosen signal.  Following our dating example, to be able to fire a “confidence” anchor, recall a situation from your past when you felt powerfully confident.

Relive every part of this experience while practicing with your anchor signal.  As the anchor becomes more defined in your mind, you should be able to call it up at will by deploying your physical signal.

Visualization Exercises

The use of these anchors enables you to tie a specific emotion or feeling to a particular hand gesture.  And while this can be incredibly useful in defusing awkward or uncomfortable situations, it’s limited in that each anchor only ties to a single emotion.

Now, imagine you’re sitting face to face with the object of your affection.  At some points in your conversation, you might want to be able to call up your “confidence” anchor – but you might also want to make yourself appear witty, self-deprecating or charming.  And that’s a lot of anchors!

So in order to ensure that your anchors are reserved for the most powerful emotions you want to call up, you’ll want to make use of another NLP technique – visualization – to motivate positive changes in your personal life.

Visualization is an incredibly powerful technique because it gives our minds a template to work off of.  Simply saying, “I wish I wasn’t so awkward” or “I wish I was more motivated” isn’t that helpful, because it doesn’t give our brains a framework for promoting positive change.  Neither one of these negative statements describe alternative behaviors, which leaves our minds frustrated, but unable to produce meaningful change.

Instead, by visualizing how we’d like situations to unfold, we give our brains a blueprint for creating positive actions.  To use visualizations effectively, imagine your desired scenario unfolding from three different angles:

• From your own perspective, within your own mind,
• From the perspective of an outsider who’s interacting with you, and
• From the perspective of a neutral third party.

For example, if you want to have more motivation to go to the gym regularly, start by visualizing yourself coming home from work, changing into your gym clothes and going to get in a good workout.  Then, change your visualization to imagine what someone you interact with at the gym sees in your behavior.  Does this person see a tired, dejected person dragging himself through his workouts, or does he see a fit, energetic person upon which he can model his own behavior?

Finally, imagine the scene as if you’re watching it unfold from above.  How do the people in your visualization behave and interact with each other?  Seeing them modeling the behaviors you’d like to address in your own life makes this tool a powerful way to drive changes to your own personal habits.

Image: ElDave